Since no one from the Sparta Report was invited to the White House for the Social Media Summit, I decided we would have one of our own. I drove from Colorado to Sparta Hero’s secret location in Utah. His lair is filled with the latest in arcade games as you can see.
Mark: It’s good to meet you at last Spartan Hero!
SH: Очень приятно.
Mark: Is that Russian?
SH: Oh, sorry. Russia makes all the best video games so I have become very fluent in the language and sometimes I forget to speak английский.
Mark: Who is this big guy standing behind you?
SH: Never mind. He just helps me with Odd Jobs [Note 1] I need carried out.
Mark: Well, let’s talk about how we’re going to work to reelect President Trump in 2020.
Mark: Since you’re the site’s Meme Master, would you say that Carpe Donktum is the premier memester at the moment?
SH: Comrade Donktum is indeed! Igor Alexandrovich Putin is a hero to all of us who support President Trump.
Mark: Did you just doxx Carpe Donktum?
SH: It no longer matters. Comrade Donktum has the ear of President Trump and no one will believe he is President Putin’s cousin! They will call it “Fake News.”
Mark: Wait a minute! You’re saying that Carpe Donktum is Vladimir Putin’s cousin?!
SH: Da. Of course. There are over three hundred FSB agents in Lubyanka working 24/7 to test various meme concepts and create the videos. You seriously didn’t believe some идиот working out of his house could come up with such things?
Mark: Well, yes, I kinda did.
SH: Mark, you are so naive! Each element of the video is tested on Twitter and Facebook for maximum effect. An entire team of FSB agents then go to bars near Berkeley to test the concepts. The degree students at Berkeley are triggered by the meme is recorded and A/B tested against slightly different versions of the meme.
Mark: Surely you can’t measure “Triggeredness”?
SH: Mark, Mark, Mark. The FSB has many methods. I should not tell you this but we sometimes use Thiopental which helps the subject tell the truth. Since they can’t handle the truth, many go screaming from the room. If they just die on the spot, then we know we have a very strong meme.
Mark: I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this.
SH: Mark, we are just all pawns in the bigger global arena. As Comrade Spock said ““Logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”
Mark: You’re not saying that Leonard Nimoy was KGB?
SH: Heavens no! He is but an actor and simply speaks the words that are placed in front of him! It may be that Comrade George Takei suggested the line. Or maybe it was Comrade Nicholas Meyer. Many records were “accidentally” destroyed during the “Enlightened Era” of Barack Obama so only Comrade Putin would know this for sure.
Mark: After our discussion I’m not certain that you’re the best choice . . .
SH: Excuse me Comrade Mark but I have a meeting with Comrade Cortez in a few minutes. There is an “envelope” I must prepare. до свидания — Dosvedanya — until we meet again.
Mark: Hey wait! OUCH! Did you actually play OddJob?
OddJob: No. That was Harold Sakata. He died in 1982. But his DNA was preserved.
Mark: Wait . . . a . . . . minute! You’re not a clone?!
OddJob: Goodbye Comrade Mark.
[Note 1] Perhaps a reference to a very old James Bond movie.