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Trump Invades Venezuela

At long last

In an April 1 exclusive, Sparta Report can reveal that President Donald Trump has ordered an invasion of Venezuela.

Reporters were stunned when Trump announced the news at a White House press conference on Monday morning.

“It’s going to be like the time we invaded Panama,” Mr. Trump explained. “Only this time, we’re going to keep everything.”

John Bolton, President Trump’s National Security Adviser, said that 5,000 US troops were spearheading the invasion and had begun advancing across the Colombia border. “I mean, we literally told you guys this was going to happen,” Mr. Bolton commented. “We thought the thing with the legal pad would be a cool ‘easter egg’ for you.”

Mr. Trump requested Clint Eastwood lead the attack after watching Heartbreak Ridge. However, Eastwood turned him down, having just released The Mule. He suggested Mr. Trump approach Steven Spielberg, who had expressed interest in updating Saving Private Ryan.

Mr. Spielberg also declined, and eventually General J.D. Ripper was appointed commander of US forces in Venezuela.

During the press conference, one reporter asked, “Mr. Trump, doesn’t invading Venezuela prove at long last that you’re colluding with the Russians?”

Mr. Trump appeared puzzled by the question, and said, “No, we’re not working with Russia. In fact, the Russians oppose this. I’ve ordered all Russian troops in Venezuela to leave the country or face the consequences.”

The reporter then replied: “AHA! No doubt this is part of your secret plan to throw us off the trail of your collusion with Russia!”

The reporter then began foaming at the mouth, while another reporter began to say “ORANGE MAN BAD” over and over again. The press conference continued after the malfunctioning NPCs reporters were removed.

Nicolas Maduro has said in response to Mr. Trump’s declaration of war that “There are no American tanks in Caracas, and if they show up we will fight to the last man, woman, and child.”

This comes after the news that the entire Venezuelan army deserted and no gas could be found to fuel up Mr. Maduro’s escape jet. Attempts to fuel the jet with bolivars in place of gasoline failed.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez gave the Democrat response after Mr. Trump’s press conference. “This is yet another example of Trump’s racist oppression of black Africans. The US military needs to stop colonizing Africa!”

When told that Venezuela was a Hispanic country in South America, Ms. Ocasio-Cortez responded by saying “Maps are racist.”

 
Doomberg

Written by Doomberg

I am Doomberg, one of the original founding members of Sparta Report, and have been here since the beginning. I am an insatiable news junkie and enjoy reading and writing about the US territories, the Caribbean, video games, smartphones, and of course conservative politics in general.

I also really like pictures of gas stations and claim full responsibility for the silly gas station motif. I'm presently trapped behind enemy lines in a blue state with no hope of escape! The ride never ends.

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