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Let’s Go On Climate Change Offense!

Answering the 60 Minutes Question


Pesident Trump did a good job handling Lesley Stahl during his recent 60 Minutes interview — with the exception of climate change.

Lesley Stahl: Do you still think that climate change is a hoax?

President Donald Trump: I think something’s happening. Something’s changing and it’ll change back again. I don’t think it’s a hoax, I think there’s probably a difference. But I don’t know that it’s manmade. I will say this. I don’t wanna give trillions and trillions of dollars. I don’t wanna lose millions and millions of jobs. I don’t wanna be put at a disadvantage.

Lesley Stahl: I wish you could go to Greenland, watch these huge chunks of ice just falling into the ocean, raising the sea levels.

President Donald Trump: And you don’t know whether or not that would have happened with or without man. You don’t know.

And then things augured into the “but scientists say” argument.

The President was caught off guard by the question since with all the things he’s doing and all the issues in the world, I’m sure it never occurred to him that this would be the first question. Which is why, of course, she asked it.

This question should have been a softball question that President Trump should have been able to respond to in a very succinct manner as he does with everything else.

I guess it’s my job to help him out.

Lesley Stahl: Do you still think that climate change is a hoax?

President Donald Trump: Lesley, it’s like when the family is sitting around the TV at night and someone says they smell smoke. It doesn’t do any good to argue about whether everyone smells the smoke, how bad the smoke is, or what the smoke smells like. Eventually, an adult in the room has to get up and go find out. And that’s what I intend to do.

Lesley Stahl: But you’ve denied that climate change is real!

President Donald Trump: No, Lesley. That’s not correct. The problem is that the Democrats have been saying they smell smoke for years and years and years but not a one of them has gotten out of their chairs to see! I’m going to change that.

Lesley Stahl: But how? You pulled out of the Paris Climate Accords.

President Donald Trump: The Paris Climate Accords was an attempt to extort money from the United States in the name of climate change. I’m having none of that! It was completely the wrong way to go about trying to smell the smoke.

Lesley Stahl: Well, smarty pants, what would you do about it? [Lesley probably wouldn’t actually say “smarty pants” but I’m pretty sure she’d be wanting to!]

President Donald Trump: First, let’s see if there’s smoke. I’m asking NOAA to develop no more than six graphs that show the trends in key climate metrics of the planet. They’ll say they can’t do that because it’s more complicated than that but they’ll do it anyway. At the State of the Union in 2020, I’ll present the graphs and we’ll do that every year. That way we can all finally stop arguing about whether there’s smoke and whether it’s getting better or worse.

Lesley Stahl: I’m skeptical that six graphs will do it. Where did you come up with six Mr. President?

President Donald Trump: I’ve given a lot of presentations in my lifetime, Lesley, and people just can’t process more than about six things at a time. I do, however, expect NOAA to come back and say “we really don’t have the data to do that.” Fine. My question will be “what do you need?” and then we’ll get that done. If we have to put a few dozen satellites in orbit, so be it but let’s figure out what data we really need and go get it.

Lesley Stahl: But in the meantime, if the scientists are correct, the planet may be dying!

President Donald Trump: This is where I fully support Bill Gates’ efforts at climate change. Bill has this organization called BEV — which is  helping promising companies take great ideas from the lab to market. BEV has a $1B commitment already. I want to triple that and I want them to come up with great new products without any so-called help from the government. Regardless of how much smoke we find, if any, we all want to live on beautiful planet Earth and this is a win-win for everyone no matter how he turns out.

Lesley Stahl: But shouldn’t this be an international effort?

President Donald Trump: As I’ve said, Lesley, I’m not the President of the World. I can only do what’s good for the United States. But, I’ll say this, if other countries want to join with us to better our environment, I’m certainly open to that. You’re going to have to pay though. They’re going to have to pay. We’re not going to create a bunch of breakthrough ideas and give them away for free!

Lesley Stahl: I hate you.

President Donald Trump: I know Lesley.

Mark Rosneck

Written by Mark Rosneck

"Vell, Mark's just zis guy, you know?"

As NWC has said -- "Doing the work not even illegal Mexicans would do."

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