President Trump: Today I’d like to begin with a prayer I’ve written.
Vice President Pence: What a terrific idea, Mr. President! God will lead us through this!
President Trump: Yeah, OK. Dear God, please keep these fucking idiots from fucking up any more than they already have.
Vice President Pence: Donald, I don’t think . . .
President Trump: Oh and don’t let me fuck up either. OK. Let’s discuss those drugs used for Malaria. Flopsie — give us an update.
Dr. Fauci: Well, Mr. President, we have really good reasons to be believe that Hydroxychloroquine works exceptionally well against the Covid-19 virus —
President Trump: China virus.
Dr. Fauci: Er, the virus we’re discussing just as it did against SARS. It’s relatively safe, well understood, cheap, and side effects are well understood.
President Trump: So how much have you ordered?
Dr. Fauci: Well, none.
President Trump (looking more orange than normal): NONE! What the fuck are you doing?
Dr. Fauci: Mr. President, we need to have at least a year’s worth of clinical studies to know exactly how effective it is and whether we have the doses correct.
President Trump: But by then we’ll have a vaccine won’t we?
Dr. Fauci: Yes, Mr. President.
President Trump: Flopsie, you are a fucking idiot. This is like worrying about whether the temperature of the water in a bucket is optimal for putting out a fire! Let’s just put out the fucking fire!
Dr. Fauci: It’s not that simple, Mr. President. You see, there are protocols and science so we don’t hurt anyone.
President Trump: You don’t want to hurt the people who are dying? You’re a fucking moron! Prince, get a million doses on order.
Vice President Pence: Yes, Mr. President. And maybe we can tell doctors they can only prescribe it off label if they report their results.
President Trump: Well, fuck. Prince had a good idea. Is that OK with you, Flopsie?
Dr. Fauci: Yes, Mr. President but let me give you a PowerPoint presentation on clinical trials so you can understand why I’ve . . .
President Trump: Can we get a Secret Service Agent to insert Flopsie’s USB drive WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE!
Dr. Fauci: I’m just trying to tell you that there’s a risk this won’t work.
President Trump: You people are all just fucking idiots. If it doesn’t work, it costs us a few million bucks. Million not billion. Who gives a fuck? And if doesn’t work, I’ll get the blame.
Entire rest of the room: Oh, in that case . . .
Dr. Fauci: But can you at least not promote it so hard? We don’t want people demanding it!
President Trump: Of course we do! Were’s that USB drive . . . Look, we want everyone demanding it from their doctor so we can learn whether it works as quickly as possible.
Dr. Fauci: But the doctors won’t like it.
President Trump: (Fucking idiot!)
Vice President Pence: Donald, would you at least stop referring to Cov-19 as the China Virus?
President Trump: (Fucking idiot!) Prince, there’s a reason I put TRUMP in big letters on my properties. It’s called branding and everyone knows that TRUMP means excellence. Cov-19 doesn’t mean a fucking thing! I’m branding it as the China virus because that fucker Xi fucked us and I’m not going to let anyone forget it — ever! And when this is over, the fucker is going to pay!
Secret Service Agent: Mr. President, should I tell the press you’ll be right out for the daily briefing?
President Trump: ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!
Dr. Fauci to Vice President Pence: Do you understand anything the President said?
Vice President Pence to Dr. Fauci: Not really. He’s kind of an idiot, isn’t he?
Dr. Fauci to Vice President Pence: Fuckin’ A Bubba! Fuckin’ A!