Thanksgiving Day Greetings to one and all!
As we gather with loved ones and friends to count our blessings this fourth Thursday in November we do so with the assurance and providence of The Almighty that we continue to live in the greatest and freest nation the world has ever known.
That said, it is also time once again to take account of The Turkeys that Walk Amongst Us – those august nominees for the Third Annual Gassiest Gobbler Award.
A five course meal of The UnBest and The UnBrightest awaits.
A wag once opined that we should always eat dessert first and in keeping with that sage wisdom we begin with the Number 5 runner-up, the journalist everyone wants to smack in the face with a big ol’ piece of pumpkin pie: CNN windbag and narcissist extraordinaire Jim Acosta.
The vegetable course consists of a pair of brain-dead Republicans: former Attorney General Snoozin’ Jeff Sessions and soon to be former Speaker of the House Rep. Paul Ryan of Cheeseheadland.
This pair of Number 4 runner-up RINO’s, Swampers to their very soulless cores, did everything in their power over the past near two years to stifle the MAGA Agenda.
Scrap ‘em off your plate and into the trash bin of history.
The dressing & giblets are represented in the Number 3 runner up spot by creepy, sleazy, opportunistic, credibly accused domestic violence perp & lawyer Michael Avenatti and creepy, sleazy, opportunistic porn star Stormy Daniels (although based on previous experience she probably belongs in pole position…)
A bottom-feeder who never lets an ambulance pass by unchaste (pun intended), Avenatti was the wrong man in the wrong spot at the wrong time to step all over the Democrat’s exquisitely crafted Brett Kavanaugh smear by falling for a 4Chan hoax and having to roll out the Most Unbelievable of Stories with the Most Uncredible of Witnesses.
Save room on your plate for our Number 2, the mashed potatoes and gravy of misdirection and misandry, a pair of California Girls the likes of which Brian Wilson never imagined in his hairiest nightmares: Dr. Christine Blasey Ford and Senator Diane Feinstein.
Among the unintended consequences of the Pyscho-Drama presented by Doc Ford and Chi-Fi: the solidification of the Senate by Team Red and the transformation of meek Lindsey Graham from being Juan McCain’s obedient fluffer into Based Lindsey, Senator Balls of Steel.
The sloppy second runner up spot suits these gals just fine.
Last on the plate at today’s festivities, The Turkey most deserving the 2018 Gassiest Gobbler Award:
Proprietor of what used to be the world’s foremost go-to conservative website and news aggregator website The Drudge Report, Matt has taken a knee from 2017 winner Roger Goodell’s NFL playbook and destroyed his own brand with his own near-terminal case of late-onset Trump Derangement Syndrome.
Congratulations to all of this year’s nominees for the Third Annual Gassiest Gobbler Award!
The Gassiest Gobbler Award Committee is comprised of Cousin Brunoetta, Your Uncle Bruno and Bruno Strozek
The decisions of The Committee are final.
Bribes are encouraged and appreciated.
Previous Gassiest Gobbler Nominees & Winners:
Senator Al Franken
Minneapolis Mayor Betsy Hodges
Senator Mitch McConnell
Roger Goodell (winner)
Hillary Rodham Clinton
Megyn Kelly (winner)
(“Gassiest Gobble” is a homage to Sparta Report’s first incarnation as Hot Gas)