Florida is the Most Insane State

Look, I know what your’re thinking:

“Where does this guy from The Loon & Tick State get off anyway?”

But just hear me out, OK?

Anyone who has ever read novel by Carl Hiaasen knows The Characters he puts in his fiction almost always have at least a tangential connection to The Real World.

So when steroid-addled loser, body builder and Chippendale wanna be Cesar Sayoc got fingered as A Person of Interest in the MAGA Bomber case I took one look and thought:

“Hmmm, this guy could be the steroid-addled loser, body builder and Chippendale wanna be charactor Chemo right outta Skin Tight and Star Island.

For those of you unfamiliar with Carl Hiaasen – he’s a Floridian author who routinely plumbs the depths of stupidity and depravity as only a native Gator Stater can.

In fact Chemo was rated as Hiaasen’s Best Character Ever by the literary glitterati at Deep South magazine:

1. Chemo – Our favorite by far, Blondell Wayne Tatum, called “Chemo,” was orphaned at the age of 6 and committed his first crime at 16. Now an adult, he’s been disfigured in a freak accident during an electrolysis procedure to remove two ingrown hair follicles from the tip of his nose. He killed the doctor at fault, but his appearance is described as “breakfast cereal, like someone had glued Rice Krispies to every square centimeter of his face.” In 1989’s “Skin Tight,” Chemo is being helped by plastic surgeon Rudy Graveline who offers him a discount on dermabrasion treatments in exchange for killing former state investigator Mick Stranahan. During his second failed attempt, Chemo must dive off the balcony of Stranahan’s stilt house in Biscayne Bay and his hand is bitten off by a barracuda. Instead of a conventional prosthesis, he chooses a portable weed whacker. (Readers meet Chemo again in 2010’s “Star Island.”)

Almost all of Hiaasen’s books feature some of the Dumbest Criminals you will find in print.

But then again Hiaasen himself has said that his works of fiction pale in comparison to the real life exploits of many of the low-life denizens of The Sunshine State.

Runners up in the Florida State of Stoopid Sweepstakes, the true life body-building & murder exploits chronicled in the flick Pain & Gain staring Mark Wahlberg & Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

From our old friend Wikipedia’s entry on the movies basis in true events

The film is loosely based on a story Pete Collins published in a 1999 series of Miami New Times articles and compiled in the book Pain & Gain: This Is a True Story (2013), which details the kidnapping, extortion, torture, and murder of several victims by an organized group of criminals comprising bodybuilders affiliated with the Sun Gym.[4][5] The film’s title is a play on the common adage, frequently used in fitness: “No pain, no gain”.

Just remember:

Despite what the Coen Brothers said, that Fargo guy who got stuffed into the wood chipper on a frozen Minnesota lake was not inspired by true events.

I don’t think…

Bruno Strozek

Written by Bruno Strozek

Bruno Strozek is the author of occasionally semi-coherent piffle and has been a Writer/Editor at Sparta Report since July 2016.

Strozek, along with his alter-egos the decadent, drug-addled Sixties refugee Uncle Bruno and his intolerably feminist SJW Cousin Brunoetta have been riding the not-yet crested wave of deplorability with posts covering politics, sports, entertainment and zombies.

Aptly described as both "hilarious and deeply disturbed" Strozek has enthusiastically embraced the recommendation of the late Raoul Duke that "when the going gets weird the weird turn pro."

Although he has fallen far short of his bucket-list goal of writing for such respectable rags as The National Enquirer and The Weekly World News Strozek is grateful for the opportunity to pen his unhinged screeds at Sparta Report and is constantly amazed and delighted at the reception his pieces receive in the cements.


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