Sparta Report

Declaration of Independence: The Short Form

Declaration of Independence as a Living Document

In Congress, July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America, Yo! In the here and now, we are not being represented, because we are not getting that to which we are entitled, such as equality along with fixing climate change, so we feel that we want to take our ball and go home.

We feel, that all persons are created equal, that they are endowed by their own self image with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness as well as a right to a Job, Healthcare, Abortion on Demand, Gay Marriage, and anything else that should come along. — That to secure these rights, Government needs to provide us all our needs — If a Government doesn’t give us everything we need, we can just go our separate ways. We’ve been patient but you’re not getting it done; so we’re not taking it anymore, and we’re leaving! The King of Britain is a Nazi.

There’s a whole list of things we’re unhappy about but most are old stuff so don’t worry about it. And some are even racist such as talking about “Indian Savages.” We don’t want to offend anyone so let’s just say they were really pissed off.

Every time something happened that got us pissed off, we had rallies: Our repeated Change.org petitions have been answered only by continuing to piss us off. The King of Britain is a Nazi.

The British people are cool but they haven’t joined the cause. We hope they’ll wake up and we can be friends again.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the United States of America, meeting today, in the now, appealing to what we feel is right, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly put it out there, That these United Colonies are going to do our own thing, and do things countries do according the United Nations Charter. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance that we feel it’s right, we mutually pledge to each other that we’re really, really, serious about this shit, and we’ll be redistributing our wealth to the poor, and are going to Tweet that we really mean it.

Signed by a whole bunch of dead white guys who might have owned slaves and done a lot of of other really offensive things. But they weren’t as woke to social justice issues as we are.

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