President Trump has ordered school buses to protect Air Force One while he is at Mar-a-Lago. Palm Beach International Airport, unlike a military airport, doesn’t have a secure location to park Air Force One. The best spot is near the south side of the airport with the private jets. However, this also gives a terrorist the opportunity to shoot a missile from nearby Southern Boulevard.
The solution is to make sure that school buses full of children are parked between Southern Boulevard and Air Force One.
The buses are only loaded with children for two hours prior to the President’s departure and for 45 minutes after the plane has departed. Each child is given a realistic Secret Service “badge” as well as a healthy snack box. The badges are actually real FBI badges that have recently become available in quantity.
A Secret Service spokesman said that “a ten year old isn’t really going to slow down a shoulder fired missile any more than the bus alone would. However, it’s all about perception and if a couple hundred kids died in a terrorist attack, we’re confident that the President would have the authority to retaliate although we expect that CNN will focus on why using children might not have been a good idea.”
The spokesman continued “we thought about other countermeasures but you really can’t beat the cost of a couple hundred
healthy lunch boxes! Not only that but we were able to throw in a coupon to see the manatees that swim in the effluent of the local power plant.” [Note 1]
The program has been so effective, since Air Force One has yet to be successfully attacked, that the Secret Service is planning new programs for the Spring of 2019 including AR-15 training with a bump stock elective. In the meantime, the National Rife Association has kindly provided a set of videos for students to watch titled “Drop, Roll, and Shoot the Mother [email protected]@kers!”
President Trump has taken an active interest in manatees and since they are no longer on the endangered species list, he often has Air Force One serve manatee foie gras on the return trip to Washington. We understand it tastes a bit like Chicken of the Sea. [Note 2]
Barack Obama also used the school bus barricade for Air Force One during visits to Palm Beach. However, the buses were empty.
[Note 1] Ok. It’s not effluent! Don’t everyone get your knickers in a twist. It’s warm water from a cooling tower and manatees like an occasional dip in a hot tub just like any other animal with Constitutional rights!
[Note 2] While I haven’t personally tried it, I hear that this is an excellent manatee recipe:
Baked manatee flippers with veggies
2 manatee flippers
3 slices bacon
2 onions chopped
2 carrots chopped
5 potatoes cut up
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
3 cans biscuits or make your own from scratch
Cut skinned flippers into serving size chunks.
Fry the bacon
Add the flippers to the bacon until browned
Reduce heat and simmer until partly tender.
Add onions and carrots and 1 cup water, boil 30 minutes.
Add potatoes and cook an additional 15 minutes adding water if needed
Cover top of pan with biscuits
Bake at 425 for 20 minutes. Serves 6