In a stunning move the Trump Administration announced today that Mexico has agreed to pay for the wall.
Jared Kusnher, the president’s son-in-law and senior adviser, said that he and Mexican president Peña Nieto had come to agreement after realizing the similarity to “the Big Con” made famous in the movie The Sting. “Mr. Neito seemed particularly pleased that I noted how much he looked like Robert Redford” said Mr. Kushner.
Kushner went on to discuss that one of the most significant problems with building the wall was gaining support of local border communities in the United States and the U.S. Congress who were being defensive on the subject. There were also environmental restrictions and reports to be done as well as dealing with pesky demonstrators. However, Mr. Kushner continued, “if Mexico builds the wall on their side, all of that goes away! Once we realized that, we knew it was just down to a matter of money at that point.”
The framework of the agreement calls for a reduction from 2,193 apprehensions at the U.S.-Mexico border in March 2017 to 5,000 monthly repatriations by March 2023. The repatriations will be facilitated by creating an Uber-like service within the Ejército Mexicano (Mexican Army).
Additionally, Microsoft and Facebook will be relocated to Mexico where they will no doubt hire talent from India. Bill Gates could not be immediately reached for comment but Mark Zuckenberg pontificated that “A squirrel dying in front of your house may be more relevant to your interests right now than people dying in Africa.” I don’t know what that means either.
When asked about whether there would be a “real wall” or whether other means would be used to secure the border, Mr. Kushner joked “I told Enjique (Peña Nieto) that I didn’t care if he just erected sniper towers every quarter mile as long as he hit his number!”
In other unrelated news, Mexico has placed an order for 8,000 Barrett M82s.
While the full details of the deal have not been revealed, it is expected that NAFTA will be fully restored for Mexico. Mr. Kuscher has been quoted previously as saying “no one seemed particularly peeved about NAFTA in the past so getting the wall for something no one really cares about seems like a good way to go.”
Canada reacted by whining that they wanted in as well but this deal was immediately blocked due to Justin Trudeau’s unwillingness to annex Oregon and Washington.