It has been a very exciting, turbulent 2017 for everybody. The KKK White Nationalist Trump %#$%-You Party won a hard-fought victory in 2016 after being down 50 points to a Harpy that had to be thrown into a van like a side of beef who was in no way “tarred” after using some hot sauce she pulled out from her purse to eat her collard greens and watermelon with. The Snowflake Party cried till their tear duct glands dried up and their urinary tract eroded away. There has never been so much butt-hurt seen since, well, November 9th, 2016 when Trumpus Magnificus stole the election thanks to some Russian women peeing on a mattress somewhere in Comeys mind.
January- The end of the Obama era disintegrates into the Mists of Kenya as the Orange Barbarian takes the Oath of Office after a pageantry seen by a few hundred or so people worldwide, so says the media. They are seen being pleasant with each other during the transition but the Bacca Boy must yield the Resolute desk to a more worthy successor. The media quickly puts together articles of impeachment because Russians somewhere, somehow, someway, that not even the Lord knows how, convinced America that Hillary was a perfectly awful Bitch who sold Uranium to some foreign country and received millions into her bank account. Comey still could not find intent on why Russia would try to set up Hillary like that. Well, The Russians didn’t do that. It was those nasty Deplorables and their little dogs too. First Lady Melania The Gorgeous tells former first Wookie
Michael, Moochelle , Sasquatch Michelle Obama that she is a pretty, classy lady, then turns around and laughs in the French Language. The Stock Market reacted joyfully to Trumpism. Hillary finishes her bender with some Podesta spirit-cooking and refusign to accept the results of November, like she said Trump should do. Popular Cementer Lincoln Caddy conjures up a plate of “Meatload” which the 9th Circuit quickly issues an injunction that the recipe never be shared.
February- The Mighty Orange Order of the Hair then meets with Comey and asked, or not asked, for Comey to drop, or not drop, a case against Flynn, which case was already dropped by Comey in January, who said Flynn did nothing wrong, so there was nothing to investigate. Or was. Or something. Comey didn’t know because he didn’t have his notes with him while hiding behind a curtain from Trump. Sessions was confirmed after telling Franken that he would recuse from any gov’t function the Attorney General would be involved in, with the exception of going after MS-13 gang members and asset forfeiture. Other things happened too, but I was too high from gloating again and again to remember what the hell was happened. People got confirmed, the media was still throwing a hissy fit and resisting adulthood, or something like that. The 9th Circuit ruled that Trump could not do anything at all until they cleared it with themselves and the Oracle of Delphi. Speaking of Goracles, February was said to be in the midst of a Polar Vortex thanks to Global
warming cooling change anthropomorphic sex Climate Change. The folks in the Midwest shrugged their shoulders and called it “Winter.” The 9th Circus took time away from harassing Caddy long enough to block President Trumps travel ban because they were in charge of national security, not Trump. Deep State Foggy Bottom Boys started leaving in droves because Trump broke those pussys too.
March– came in like a lion and went out like a lamb loaded with ISIS DNA. Trump was bombing the %#$^ out of them as promised. Some Cementers were pissed because Trump didn’t have the 1000+mile wall fully built by now with alligator moats, minefields, and razor wire. After some pearl-clutching, kool-aid drinking, and couch fainting, nothing was agreed on but it was obvious that the Republican Party was still smarting from Hillary losing to the Magnificent Bastard. They gnashed their teeth and shuffled about the halls of congress saying “shit shit shit” over and over. Canadian Mounties continued to sadly report a lack of sightings of Hollywood assholes and assholettes streaming across the border because they wanted to beat them back. But they welcomed goat humpers and terrorists. Comey doing Rooskie investigation, or something, before he got fired. Snowflake Walsh, Deputy Chief of Staff, leaves in hissy fit to work “elsewhere” because Trump broke her. Zinke rode a fine steed to his first day of work and made the EPA folks clean up after his horse. Government leaches began to leave as well because Zinke and Trump dared to question their global warming BS and broke it off in their a$$. And in a rare fit of clarity, Teresa May invokes Article 50 for Brexit, stunning naysayers worldwide. But Judge Watson from Hawaii declared the invocation to be invalidated for now because here in the States, the Wall wasn’t being built so he couldn’t rule against it.