Thanksgiving Day Greetings one and all!
Last time around y’all were Gassers and Gasserettes; this year it’s a hearty welcome to all you Sparticles and Sparticlettes!
I know the Butterball is a-baking so let’s cut to the chase with this year’s passel of nominee also-rans!
Clocking in at Number 5 is the local favorite here in The Land of the Loon, a two-fer (Hollywood & Congress) groper: Senator Al Franken!
Join with Your Uncle Bruno and give a pair of hands to the HuffPo Hearthrob!
As long as we are paying homage to denizens of The North Star State the Gobbler Committee (Your Uncle Bruno, Cousin Brunoetta and your host & master of ceremonies Spartan scribbler extraordinaire Bruno Strozek) has decided that the honor of position Number 4 be bestowed upon the Token Female Nominee in this year’s gobbler cavalcade: lame-duck mayor of Minneapolis Betsy Hodges.
Betsy managed to parlay the power of being a Democrat incumbent mayor in a city that voted for Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump by 88 to 12 percent into a third place finish in a five person race finishing behind a 36 year old carpetbagging lawyer/weasel and the second place finisher – a fella who was convicted of felony burglary but ended being pardoned by the Minnesota Governor when it became clear he had a future in DFL politics.
(Of course Betsy’s epic failure of leadership in the aftermath of the tragic shooting an Australian yoga teacher by a Somali cop diversity hire might have played a role in her dismal fall from grace at City Hall…)
The Bronze position goes to our second runner-up Gobbler finalist and accomplished #NeverTrump Onanist Bill Kristol.
Witness one of this Alleged Wizard of Smart’s latest clueless Tweets:
Is there a tone of desperation in Trump’s recent tweets? It feels like a comic who senses his act’s not working, so the jokes become more forced…and even less funny. Does Trump sense it’s all slipping away, so he goes to his standbys one more time–but with diminishing returns?
Bill, Bill, Bill…
Being Number 3 means you’ll just have to try harder next year.
Appropriately positioned at Number 2, the man for whom the words “snatch defeat from the jaws of victory” have become a personal mantra, our Gassiest Gobbler Runner Up: Senator Mitch McConnell.
The UniParty’s favorite Turtle is pictured below from his salad days as a buff cabana boy working the Norwegian Riviera and learning the finer points of politics from his mentor Vikund Quisling:
And now, having dispensed with the Also-Rans, it’s time to present the highly coveted Gassiest Gobbler of the Year Award to:
A poster child for perseverance, Last Year’s Runner Up managed to stay the course to nab this year’s laurels by achieving what was once thought to be an Impossible Task: The Complete and Utter Destruction of the NFL Brand:
Step right up and take a knee!
That concludes this year’s Gassiest Gobbler Awards Ceremony!
Happy Thanksgiving to all!
The Gassiest Gobbler Committee:
Your Uncle Bruno