Editors Note: the author is posting an ongoing series of articles about his experiences in Baghdad, Iraq, where he works in the education business and is writing regarding “the truly strange place in which I reside, and commentary on the absurdities of Islam.”

These are ten reasons why you should never invite a Muslim to Thanksgiving dinner.

 

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Reason #1:

Muslims don’t like pigs, and that would mean pissing off all of your other Thanksgiving guests, who long for that honey-baked ham. Of course, one could serve it and take the chance of Ahmed going sudden-Jihad-syndrome on everybody with the electric carving knife, but in today’s climate, who wants to risk it? Better to tell the Hajji that Thanksgiving was cancelled this year, in deference to Muslims. See ya at Ishtar dinner in the Summer!

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Reason #2:

Muslims eat with the right and wipe with the left. This would get really dodgy when following the American etiquette of passing to the left with the left.

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Reason #3:  

Muslims – even after centuries of exposure to Western cutlery – still prefer to serve themselves and eat with their hands. Just imagine the local Abdullah suddenly stuffing that right hand into the pumpkin pie while muttering, “Ahhh, the good old days of Universal Female Genital Mutilation.”

4

Reason #4:

Local Abdullah has a very good chance of turning into a vampire when he sees all of the crucifixes prominently displayed in the dining room. He also would spoil the ambience by breaking into a literal hissing fit, because he mistook the Perrier for Holy water.

5

Reason #5:

Americans like to bring baskets of fresh fruit to add to the spread, including oranges, grapefruit and bananas. This is just too much for the Muslim mind. Ahmed is likely to get the wrong idea, whipping out his own banana and fondling the breasts of the young girl sitting next to him at the table.

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Reason #6:

Thanksgiving, as well as Christmas, are those times of the holiday season when “Crazy Uncle Bob” comes around. Crazy Bob has been known to favor the young girls and is somewhat of an unsavory character – still, the relatives feel compelled to invite him, but make a point of assigning a chaperone for Bob, in order to keep an eye on him, keeping the young lassies safe. The Muslim is liable to see this as both an impediment and an opportunity. The cognitive dissonance would be overwhelming for Ahmed. One would either find him in the bathroom, masturbating like Harvey Weinstein, or 2 or 3 girls would come up missing and Ahmed would be discovered out behind the woodshed with the Thanksgiving meat cleaver and severed heads, proclaiming, “If you all can’t have me, none of you can have me!”

7

Reason #7:

 

Expect to pay a sizable sum for a case of Axe Deodorant Spray (placed in strategic locations all over the house) for use by the Muslim guest. Also, be prepared to give the Muslim a guided tour of the domicile, showing Mohammed each can, and explaining that it is a substance “used to bless each room as the occupant enters”; instruct Mohammed to “bless himself”, as well. Make sure to apologize to your other guests in advance and have an extra few cans of Fabreze handy as a follow-up to the tour.

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Reason #8:

Muslims believe in getting a gift back when they give one. So if you do decide to invite The Brother and his 4 wives to the occasion, do not – under any circumstances – ask them to bring a dish. They would see this as gift giving and upon waking the next morning, you would find one of your sons or daughters missing and all of the half-used cans of Axe gone. Don’t worry about the Fabreze. Muslims insist that it makes them gay.

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Reason #9:

Just remember – if you invite the Muslims – there will be no alcohol. You may as well forget about a happy event, because Abdullah won’t understand “thees stranch game American fooootball!” and the men watching would end up strangling him for his impertinence and the lack of Budweiser.

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Reason #10:

Don’t do it.

Just. Don’t. Do. It.