Baghdad Blues #4

“Heaven is a place where nothing happens”

David Byrne

“The Arabs never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity”

Abba Eban


I understand what Byrne was after – the notion that Hell is the result of too many things happening, and all that – but the man got it wrong.

Heaven is a place where one thing happens. Hell is a place where too much happens.

And the place where too much happens is Iraq; Baghdad is full of Arabs, who never miss an opportunity to screw things up.


Case in point:

To anyone who has even casually observed events unfolding in Kurdistan over the last few days, it’s quite clear that the Arabs in Baghdad are – yet again – missing a golden opportunity to further both the interests of Baghdad and Erbil. But no; Abadi and the other idiots here in Baghdad are so hell-bent on securing the oil fields of Kirkuk, that they have overlooked what is obvious to anyone who has ever set foot on the soil of what is casually called, “northern Iraq”:

The whole of the geography of the region is sitting on a veritable sea of oil!

I, myself, have taken “bathroom breaks” on the side of the road while being driven from Duhok to the airport in Erbil, and found – to my astonishment – oil on top of the sandy soil that stuck to the soles of my dress shoes and soiled the carpet of the taxi (alliteration has always been a linguistic low-hanging-fruit for me).

My point is that, instead of working with their fellow countrymen (at least for the foreseeable future) at exploiting the untold energy of the entire region, the donkeys in Baghdad have opted for Kirkuk, and nothing else.

The Arabs never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.

Hell is a place where too much happens.

Too much means allowing the damned Iranians to participate in the taking of Kirkuk from the Peshmerga, who almost singlehandedly wrested control of the city from Daesh in 2014.

Too much means having smog so bad it resembles Beijing in a city named Baghdad, because they allow too many people to burn tires and plastic bags. The effect is obvious, especially in the mornings, as I go to work and there is more moisture in the air. Vast swaths of black gook waft over the city of 10 million. I blow my nose, and for the first time since my days in Beijing, the snot is black. Too much happens here. Too much happened when Bush stupidly wasted money and blood invading this country with no, real plan for anything except the stupid notion of, “Winning the hearts and minds” of a bunch of goat-fucking, wife-beating, child-molesting medieval throwbacks who never happened upon the novel idea of, say, a subway system – or light-rail trains, or even city-wide bus service. Now what you get is too many cars and ghastly traffic jams and near-gridlock at peak hours of the workday.


Perhaps what Byrne should have written was, “Heaven is a place where everybody has good manners and a modicum of brains.”

Because – let me tell you, among many other things – Arabs lack manners and brains like I lack two tits and a vagina.

Rant over.


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