Silly satire written while bored on a project in Chicago during the “08 Presidential campaign.  Follow up to a silly bit posted yesterday on Sparta Report.

Polar Bear Gone Wild

 


 

BEARS GONE WILD!

 

POLAR BEAR BEHAVIOR IGNITES INTERNATIONAL OUTCRY!

 

-AP

Washington, D.C.

 

The amazing story of the initially endangered, then no longer endangered polar bear continues to twist and turn. Reports arriving from our correspondents in Mexico paint a picture of polar bears gone wild.

 

Readers will recall that the U.S. Department of the Interior moved to place the bears on the Endangered Species List several weeks ago, only to reverse course when it was discovered that a large number of the animals had migrated to Mexico for a little summer fun in the sun.

 

Interior has initiated efforts to round up the wayward bears, re-educate them, and return them to the Artic. “It’s for their own good”, explained department spokesman Emmit Bumdass, when asked why the bears couldn’t just stay in the Yucatan, where observers initially reported them to be having a fine time, generally blending in well with the local population.

 

The bears may now be having a little too much fun, however, as the latest reports seem to indicate.

 

First discovered near Progreso, Yucatan, where they apparently landed after stowing away on a Carnival Cruise Lines vessel, the bears now been reported in an increasing number of locations throughout Mexico, and alarming reports of disturbing bear behavior have begun to surface.

 

The first hint that things might be getting out of hand came yesterday when the Mexican National Police reported a raid on a ‘Roman toga party’, attended by an estimated 300 polar bears, which apparently got out of hand at a resort villa outside Cancun. The loud and continual roaring of the bears apparently drew the initial attention of area residents. Neighbors reported to responding police that the bears had conducted a wet fur contest, had been observed drinking beer through funnels, and had, most disturbingly, engaged in lewd and sexually suggestive ‘bear dancing’. “It was appalling”, one neighbor told our reporter, adding that “they were acting like a bunch of animals”. No arrests were made, as the creatures apparently eluded police. “They just dove into the surf and swam away, bellowing the entire time” a witness to the spectacle said.

 

Further inquiries made by our reporters with various local police agencies uncovered widespread reports of other civic disturbances attributed to the creatures. Several incidents involving vandalism surfaced. Typical of these was a report of the burglary of a luxury beach cottage near Playa del Carmen. The police official we interviewed, refusing to identify himself because of the increasing controversy, told our correspondent that “the crime was quite unusual. It looks like the perpetrators took their time inside the residence, although valuables inside the residence were undisturbed.   A large number of bear tracks were discovered by authorities around the pool and beachside Tiki hut at the rear of the property, however. “Strangely, the only items taken were a large quantity of smoked oysters, twenty cases of Negro Modelo, a boom box, and a number of Jimmy Buffett CDs”, the officer we spoke to concluded.

 

Mexican authorities have assured us that the investigation, continues, and of course, further updates will be provided as additional information becomes available.