Vlad calls with a problem

{Hail to the Chief ringtone plays}


“Donald, are you there?”

“Vlad, is that you? It’s three in the morning for goodness’ sake! What do you want?”

“We have a serious problem, Donald. Is this phone secure?”

“Of course, Vlad. I’ve got that other thing all taken care of.”


“What was that Donald?”

“Now that I’m up, I had to take a leak, Vlad. Now what’s this all about?”

“Some photos have come to light.”

“Of me or you, Vlad?”

“Me, Donald.

“OK. Let’s hear it. Give me the whole story and we’ll see what needs to be negotiated here. I love a good negotiation.”

“It’s a picture of me with Nancy Pelosi, Donald.”

“Oh lord no! Tell me she has her clothes on!”

“Yes, Donald. If it had been another . . . and now my press thinks I’m a spy for the United States!”

“Ha! I always knew it, Vlad!”

“Donald. I am not a spy for the United States, I am Komitet gosudarstvennoy bezopasnosti!”

“Got it Vlad. Let’s go with that. I can make this all go away.”

“But how, Donald?”

“The Democrat party in my country believes they’re the only ones with pictures. I have pictures. Lots and lots and lots of pictures. I have all the best pictures. And audio tapes. And a YUGE collection of video files! I have some of the best videos ever. I thought about using a few of them during the campaign but I knew they’d come in handy. And now you can have a few select ones . . . for a price.”

“And what would that be, Donald, my friend.”

“Bring me the head of Qassim Al-Rimi, the leader of Al Qaeda in Yemen! Put it in a box and have that idiot ambassador, who appears to have gotten a lot of free meals from my government, put it on my desk! By Friday, Vlad! Friday! I have a personal score to settle. By Friday! And make sure it’s wrapped in a strong plastic bag. I took enough heat for one of my staff putting her feet on a couch. We can’t be having blood all over the Oval!”

“Sure, Donald, sure. I’m Vladimir Putin but I am not omnipotent. I can do many things but I cannot do miracles! The next thing you’ll be asking is that I give you Edward Snowden as well!”

“Good idea, Vlad. Have Edward bring the head and leave the ambassador at home! That should make us about even on this one.”


Mark Rosneck

Written by Mark Rosneck

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