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President Trump finds Barack Obama’s Diary

“Oh, good. You’re the maintenance guy?”

“Yes, Mr. President.”

“Call me Donald. You look like a nice guy. Anyone you’d like me to target with a drone strike?”

“NO, MR. PRESIDENT!”

“Just kidding. A little bit of presidential abuse of power humor. I think I’ll use that one on a CNN reporter tonight. That should get him spun up! So . . . there’s a drawer in the Resolute Desk I can’t open. Do you have the key?”

“Yes, Mr. President, er, Donald.”

<Click>

“Hmmm. Just an old book.  Thanks. Have a great day and if you’d close the door on the way out, I’d appreciate it.”

“And here’s the key, Donald.”

<Insert your favorite door closing sound here>

July 27, 2004

Dear diary. I gave a speech at the Democrat National Convention tonight. I didn’t understand much of it but I guess people liked it. I had to say “people don’t expect government to solve all their problems.” What the hell is that? Of course they do! And then I had to say “John Kerry believes in an America where hard work is rewarded. So instead of offering tax breaks to companies shipping jobs overseas, he offers them to companies creating jobs here at home.” That’s so Republican. Makes my skin crawl. Government jobs are where it’s at! And we need to be more global!!

Flip . . .

July 28, 2004

Dear diary. George Soros called. Said I gave a nice speech and then he gave me a $1,000,000. Nice guy.

Flip, flip, flip . . .

November 3, 2004

Dear diary.  Kerry concession speech. “I pledge to do my part to try to bridge the partisan divide. I know this is a difficult time for my supporters. But I ask them – all of you – to join me in doing that.” I don’t think so you spineless weasel!

November 4, 2004

Dear diary.  George Soros called to say hello. He gave me another $1,000,000. Michelle thinks he wants something. I just think he’s being nice. A million here, a million there. I guess it adds up after a while.

Flip . . . flip . . .

June 4, 2005

Dear diary.  Had to give a commencement speech today.  Another day of golf missed! That nice George Soros fellow was good enough to write the speech for me. It had a whole lot of words in it. Maybe I’ll read it to see what it says. I do remember “if we do nothing in the face of globalization, more people will continue to lose their health care. Fewer kids will be able to afford this diploma you’re about to receive.” I guess he was making a joke or something since we need to be more of a global community. And he gave me another $1,000,000.

Flip . . . flip . . .

June 5, 2006

Dear diary.  Had to do something called a floor speech today. Got in the way of my golf game. Being a senator isn’t nearly as much fun as just being a community rabble rouser. GS said everyone liked the speech but I had to say “I agree with most Americans, with Democrats and Republicans, with Vice President Cheney, with over 2,000 religious leaders of all different beliefs, that decisions about marriage, as they always have, should be left to the states.” Nothing, nothing, nothing should be left to the states. I doubt they can even get bathrooms right!

Flip . . . flip . . .

January 19, 2007

Dear diary. GS had me do a floor speech. Said “My plan would couple this phased redeployment with an enhanced effort to train Iraqi security forces and would expand the number of our personnel–especially special forces–who are deployed with Iraqis as unit advisers and would finally link continued economic aid in Iraq with the existence of tangible progress toward reducing sectarian violence and reaching a political settlement.” Heck, I didn’t even know I had a plan! It seemed rather naïve and vague to me but GS said it would play well. GS coming to visit tomorrow. Said he had something very important to discuss. Hope I won’t have to cancel my golf game!

Flip . . . flip . . .

February 10, 2007

Dear Diary. Announced for President today.  Thought the idea of having universal health care in America by the end of the next president’s first term went over well. The other stuff was filler. Funny, though. I always thought you had to be born in the United States to be president. GS said he’d take care of that.

“Mr. President. Your next appointment is here. Mr. President, are you OK? You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”

To be continued . . .

 
Mark Rosneck

Written by Mark Rosneck

Site owner and bilagáana

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