“Thanks, Paul. Now let’s see a bit more winning. Close the door as you leave, please.”
<Damn, I’d fire his butt in a New York minute. I hate politicians!>
Click . . . [insert clever wooden drawer opening sound here]
February 11, 2007
Dear Diary. Announced for president yesterday. Turns out it wasn’t for the local PTA. Ha, ha, ha! Very concerned that it will be a lot of hard work. GS [Note 42] said not to worry. I’d get to be with a lot of famous people and celebrities, play golf, talk a lot, and ride on Air Force One. Doesn’t sound so bad! GS said something funny, though. He said I was going to be the next Ronald Reagan. I hope he knows I’m a Democrat!
Flip . . flip.
February 14, 2007
Dear Diary. Took Michelle out for Valentine’s Day. Ordered a huge steak, fries, and substituted fried okra for the salad. Went outside and had a delicious cigarette. It was terrific. Michelle had a salad. I didn’t know a man could be so far in the doghouse! The woman was definitely not happy!
February 15, 2007
Dear Diary. Met with GS and a lot of old white men. I have never seen so many old white men in my life! And there was this one old woman. She looked familiar. Thought about busting a rhyme but decided the better of it. Had a great lunch; prime rib, potatoes with sour cream, great booze, and some sort of chocolate cake. Told Michelle I had a salad with no dressing. Forgot – lots of cigars, too. Hope it’s not on my breath! Glad I had some mints. GS made a little speech saying I would be the next Ronald Reagan. I said I wasn’t sure that was a great analogy. Everyone in the room started laughing! And then I said I had to beat Hillary first. That REALLY cracked them up. And then when I said that I’d need a lot of help on foreign policy, I thought GS’s head was going to explode. There were old white men literally rolling on the floor! The old woman just looked unhappy. I don’t get this at all!
Flip. . . flip . . . flip
October 15, 2007
Dear Diary. Met with GS again. Really worried that Hillary is just beating us like a punching bag! [Note 43] Hillary up 26 points. GS said not to worry. It’s all taken care of.
November 23, 2007
Dear Diary. Some old white Eleanor lady said “Obama is almost too cerebral for the sound-bite world of modern politics, but that’s part of his appeal.” Laughed my ½ black butt off! Michelle just gave me “the look.” Snuck out for a cigarette.
Jan 30, 2008
Dear Diary. John Edwards withdraws! Who could have seen that coming! Called GS to get his take. He seemed very happy but not too surprised. Guess I’ll play golf.
February 12, 2008
Dear Diary. Ahead of Hillary in the polls! Called GS to get his take. He seemed very happy but not too surprised. Guess I’ll play golf.
February 14, 2008
Dear Diary. Took Michelle out for Valentine’s Day. Had a salad. It sucked. Michelle happy.
February 18, 2008
Dear Diary. Michelle said “for the first time in my adult life, I am really proud of my country. Not just because Barack is doing well, but I think people are hungry for change.” Damn right we’re hungry! Going to Five Guys Hamburgers tomorrow and order a whole cheeseburger with fries. Wish they had milk shakes. Will have to do something about that when I become president.
Flip . . . flip . . .flip.
August 28, 2008
Dear Diary. Gave my acceptance speech in Denver. What a bunch of drivel but the crowd liked it. Best part is that the ball goes forever in this thin air and you get another 10 yards on the roll. Greens are too fast, though. Still don’t understand what happened to Hillary. I guess I’m just that good!
Dear Diary. Met with GS and the old white people. Great food again! I said I was worried about John McCain and wanted to know the plan. Old white people look really funny rolling on the floor laughing!
Dear Diary. First debate with John McCain. Is the man even trying? He said he wanted a “spending freeze on everything but defense, veteran affairs and entitlement programs.” It’s going to be Santa Claus time! I have this idea for something I call an Obamaphone! And then he said “Senator Obama refuses to acknowledge that we are winning in Iraq.” Loser!
November 3, 2008
Dear Diary. Election tomorrow. Met with GS and he said not to worry. I asked GS again what he’d meant by the next Ronald Reagan. He said Reagan was lazy, liked to take a lot of naps, make speeches, and pretty much did whatever his advisers told him to do. He was so far to the right that the worst that happened was he’d say “well, if that’s the best we can do” and he’d go take a nap. He said I could play golf instead of taking naps if I wanted. OK. That sounds good. Said I was still worried about foreign policy. Had to help GS off the floor he was laughing so hard.
To be continued . . .
[Note 42] GS = George Soros. You probably knew that but I didn’t want some Yahoo asking who GS was.
[Note 43] That’s actually a Donald Trump quote. He has all the best quotes!