“BREAKING NEWS: Melania caught plagiarizing from this old book that we uncovered.”- CNN on Melania Trump reading the Lord’s prayer.
“I’m here because I want to be among sane people. I mean, have you seen the kooks in Washington…BOY they’re a nutty, traitorous bunch aren’t they?!” – Trump
“The media have their own agenda, fuck those bastards, you elected a lion and I will NOT back down. I will continue to win for you! And yes, my hair is real!” – Trump let a model in a bikini touch his hair, unfortunately for her he did not grab her by the pussy.
“By the way, you think libtards’ heads are splodey now? Wait till we submit our healthcare plan…Obama is going to break up with all his weed smoking, gay boyfriends…he might even do us a favor and shoot McCain in anger.” – Trump
“The companies that fire Americans and leave are going to pay a 35% tax and the CEO’s left nut if they want to sell their products back into America. The right nut too, who knows folks, who knows!” – Trump
“Who dafuq makes the pipe? A Mexican? GET HIM OUTTA HERE!!” – Trump, talking about the new pipelines.
“4.2 billion dollar airplane? I said, shove it up your ass! They came back and said sir we’ve lowered the price! I said thank you, but shove it up your ass regardless!” – Trump
“Japanese PM said thank you. I said for what? He said, thank you for not nuking us, we’ll do anything you say. Even in Japan he said they’re running on ‘America First’ platform now. So much winning folks!” – Trump
“The media and the elite are nicely bent over and taking it deep…because of WE THE PEOPLE! NO LUBE FOLKS…NO MORE LUBE…NO MORE LUBE!!” – Gene the Patriot man who, even though he’s not a singer, just had his album sales just went through the roof a la Joy Villa because we love our deplorables.
“BREAKING NEWS: Every time Trump says “I’ve directed…” it makes a libtard get uncontrollable diarrhea.” – Some factual breaking news during the rally.
“FUCK YOU CAIR” – Trump
“By the way Crooked Hillary, it does NOT say SHE. HAHA, go back to sleep now I’ve destroyed you forever. ” – Trump, reading the statute that nowhere says “She”. All feminists were then directed to the nearest cliff to help them end the pain.
“Here’s the bottom line, we’ve got to keep our country safe, and if that means giving California and the 9th Circus Court to Mexico, we’ll do that too. The wall may even go around California. Hey folks, and it will be a beautiful wall with absolutely no doors for libtards!” – Trump
“BREAKING NEWS: McCain reassures European leaders there is no chance Trump can get 1237 delegates…then dies of a stroke.” – More factual breaking news during the rally.
“I have nominated an amazing judge. And on top of that we are doing things so that liberals line up so many lawsuits at the supreme court that Ginsberg croaks, then Kennedy retires and we get two more!!!” – Trump
“Obamacare doesn’t work, it has no value and it means nothing, just like Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize that he goes to bed every night with.” – Trump
“Level playing field for all women…level means EQUAL folks, not special treatment because fuck the snowflakes!” – Trump
“No longer must we listen to those who have nothing to offer but failure and are in Europe speaking insanities right now…they used to sing songs for the commies in Vietnam…I forget their name because they’re old, senile and don’t matter.” – Trump
“Greater than ever before…believe me!” – Trump
Editor’s note (Doomberg): For the humor impaired, yes, this is satire.