Sparta Report

Down Home Spirit Cooking With Paula Deen

Howdy, y’all!  Paula Deen here, and welcome to my kitchen.  Today’s episode is all about spirit cooking, y’all.  I’m not talking about the lily-white “try to summon Satan and then have an orgy” crap that those damn Yankees get up to on a Friday night.  I’m talking about some real, down home, Southern spirit cooking.  And what better way to tickle those ribs and realign your second chakra than some real Southern Spirit Fried Chicken?


Here’s a list of what you’ll need:

1 (3 pound) whole chicken cut into pieces

1 cup all-purpose flour

salt and pepper to taste

1 teaspoon paprika

1 quart vegetable oil for frying

1 vial of tears of an unwashed virgin

a dash of pain from the deepest bowels of Hell (obtained from the Crawling Chaos)

1 cup of nightmare dreams (can be found on Amazon)

Morning urine blessed by the Black Man by the light of the Harvest Moon

Now I know that some of these ingredients might seem a bit hard to find.  Especially paprika.  Not to fret, though.  All you need to do is consult the “Forbidden Lore” section of your local university’s library.  Ask them if they have a copy of the Greek translation of The Necronomicon or book four of the Seven Books of Hsan and you’ll be all set.

Just don't read it in the dark, y'all!
Just don’t read it in the dark, y’all!

All right, y’all first thing’s first.  You need to prepare your frying oil.  I know, I know it seems like that’d be the last step, but it’s also the longest.  The first thing you’ll need to do is infuse your oil with those tears of that unwashed virgin.  Pour the oil and the vial into a sacred chalice dipped in the blood of a goat slain by the Chosen One.  Once you’ve done that you’ll need to summon the Dweller on the Threshold to bless the oil and begin the infusion process.  This must be done by the light of the full moon, but be careful!  You wouldn’t want to actually WAKE the Dweller…


Now the ritual to summon the Dweller takes a minimum of four people, so tell those dinner guests of yours to get off their fannies, grab their best dark robes, and earn that delicious spirit dinner!


Once the oil’s been blessed you need to let it steep in a sea of regret and fear for a minimum of three lunar cycles.  I always give it four, though.  It makes the chicken extra crispy!

I just happen to have some oil that’s been pre-infused here, so we’ll go ahead and use that.

Keep a fire extinguisher handy in case of spontaneous combustion...
Keep a fire extinguisher handy in case of spontaneous combustion…

Now that your oil has been fully infused you’ll need to sacrifice that chicken.  What?  You didn’t think you’d get out of this without getting your hands dirty did you?  If it’s one thing that every good Southern cook knows, it’s that you’ve got to get a little dirty if you want to make a great meal.  Especially when you’re spirit cooking.

Sacrificing a chicken properly can be a bit of a hassle, so it’s always good to get some help.  I’ve always found Haitian voodoo priests to be the most helpful.

Your time has come, Foghorn Leghorn!
Your time has come, Foghorn Leghorn!

Y’all have got your chicken sacrificed and cut up into pieces.  Your oil’s been properly infused.  Now it’s time to season!

Mix up your flour and that cup of nightmare dreams in a big ol’ mixin bowl.  Add in that dash of pain for good measure.

Make sure you completely coat your chicken pieces with your flour mix.  You really want to taste the pain.  Sprinkle a little morning urine on it for an extra little kick.

All right, y’all, now it’s time to deep fry that chicken like Michael Clark Duncan on the Green Mile!

What...too soon?
What…too soon?

Savor that smell.  Rejoice as the souls of the fallen rise screaming from the depths of the oil.  Rejoice in their cries of pain, and praise the Dark One’s name!

Witch costume optional...
Witch costume optional…

Make sure you send out eerily cryptic emails on your unsecured private server to all your friends letting them know their fine Southern spirit dinner’s ready.  After all, you can always blame the Russians if anyone catches you!

Have a happy spirit dinner, y'all!
Have a happy spirit dinner, y’all!

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