Welcome Gassers and Gasserettes to the First Annual Hot Gas Gassiest Gobbler Award Ceremony!
We’re lobbing this Snarkfest into your Thanksgiving Day festivities like a frozen 25 pound Butterball three-pointed into a fully oiled and heated turkey fryer!
Unbuckle those belts, put down that second piece of pumpkin pie and enjoy!
#10. Ed Morrissey An honorary nomination as the Face of Dead Air. Without you and the Brain Trust at Salem Media we wouldn’t even be here today. So “Thank You” for throwing away your readership base! All Gasland owes you and the rest of the Dead Air crew a debt of gratitude!
#9. Melissa Click The Angry Face of the Social Justice Warrior Movement got her Walking Papers from Mizzou earlier this year when the Board of Curators began to fear future enrollment numbers could plummet if they didn’t act. Don’t worry about Ms. Click though, she landed on her feet scoring a minor position at Gonzaga University. And Mizzou’s enrollment for Fall 2016? Down 24%. Shocka!
#8. Jeb Bush Mr. Excitement couldn’t muster enough energy to make it into the Gobbler Top Five. I’d write more, but I feel the need for a nap coming on…
#7. Donna Brazile Rule #1 of Cheating: Don’t Get Caught. Rule #2: See Rule #1.
#6. Hillary Rodham Clinton Not only was Bill’s First Wife unable to shatter the Glass Ceiling, she couldn’t even break into the First Division in the Gobbler Sweepstakes. No surprise that she would stumble at the opportunity, though. But hey, there always the “I Won The Popular Vote” participation trophy. (Kinda like the one she got for her marriage, eh?) Buy President Gore a drink the next time you see him!
#5. Lena Dunham The Face of Her Generation is taking El Donaldo’s victory pretty hard. Perhaps some time weeping & gnashing teeth at an elite resort in the Arizona desert will help. With luck, The Ghost of Pauline Kael will be there to guide her on A Spiritual Journey of Healing! Groovy! Sobbing, sniveling elitist snowflakes everywhere share your pain, Lena. Which makes it all the more delicious. (Insert Smiley Face sticker here.)
#4. Paul Ryan The Once and Future Speaker, while not the Top Gobbler, certainly gets the nod for Weasel of the Year. Nuff said.
#3. Matt Harrigan Matt Harra-who? Ah, thank the Mainstream Media for spiking this story. Ol’ Matt was (emphasis on was) the CEO of the San Diego based tech company PacketSled who, in an election night rant on Facebook, decided it would be “funny” if he publicly threatened to assassinate the President Elect with a sniper rifle. Ha ha. Big joke, eh? Welcome to the ranks of the 94 million jobless, dipshit. Hope your 15 minutes of fame were worth it.
#2. Roger Goodell It takes a special kind of stupid to destroy the largest and most successful sports brand in the world but Roger Goodell has carved out a position for himself as the Vincent Lombardi of Idiocy. As the NFL ratings tank Roger and his trusty advisors are scrambling to understand why oh why viewers across the fruited plain are turning off their TV sets in droves. Was it the election? Was it the World Series & the Cubs? Was it the nice fall weather? Was it Kim Jong Il prancing around downtown Pyongyang in his tightey whiteys? Gosh Roger, it’s a Mystery For The Ages. Good luck figuring it out.
That pretty much covers the Runner Up Category.
Certificates of Participation to all!
And now, without further ado (drumroll please):
The First Annual Hot Gas Gassiest Gobbler Award goes to –
#1. Megyn Kelly How’s that for shattering The Glass Ceiling right outta the gate? It was a close call, but this is The Year of the Woman after all. Plus, it takes rare talent to destroy one’s own brand so quickly and thoroughly (as our First Runner Up can attest) but Our First Annual Hot Gas Gassiest Gobbler Winner proved up to the task! Congratulations Megyn! As Our Friends from Across the Pond would say: “Bloody good show, Megyn! Bloody good!”