Roger Ailes is out at Fox News, ladies and gentlemen. Rupert Murdoch is now the new, temporary CEO of the venerable fair-and-balanced-except-when-it-comes-to-Donald-Trump news network. Righties and Lefties all across the country are wondering just how much of a shake up the network is going to experience. Especially since rumors were flying that several high-tier Fox News personalities were going to walk if Ailes was fired.
Naturally the programming schedule at Fox News would have to change if people like Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity were to walk out. What would such a schedule change look like? Which shows would be cancelled and which would be added?
Wonder no longer, fellow Gassers. I have managed to obtain a working copy of the schedule that Fox News is to implement should the worst happen. It wasn’t easy, and required several sources, the judicious use of waterboarding AND nipple clamps, and one bizarre night spent in Juan Williams’ closet.
I’ve been assured by top executives at Fox News that, although the new schedule is bold and unexpected, it is the best move for the company at this time. With this new schedule, I am told, Fox News will finally leave the mistakes of the past behind and stomp firmly on the nuts of the 21st century.
Fox News Post-Ailes Line Up
|4:00-6:00 AM||Megyn Kelly & Friends First||Megyn’s been hard at work rounding up the latest headlines while she watches you sleep. Probably perched on your bed…like a raptor…|
|6:00-9:00 AM||Megyn Kelly & “Friends”||Megyn brings you the news of the day with people we pay to act like they like her!|
|9:00-11:00 AM||Megyn Kelly’s Newsroom||Megyn Kelly tells you what news matters to you…whether you like it or not…|
|11:00-12:00 PM||Happening Now||Hosted by Gretchen Carlson…we had to, she threatened to sue…|
|12:00-1:00 PM||Outnumbered by Megyn Kelly||We’ve cloned Megyn Kelly! One unlucky guest is set loose in a warehouse. Can they survive the Kelly Klones?|
|1:00-2:00 PM||Happening Now Again||Seriously, Gretchen, please don’t sue!|
|2:00-3:00 PM||The Megyn Kelly Story||Politics, money, hot topics all viewed through the prism of the greatest story ever told…Megyn Kelly’s story…|
|3:00-4:00 PM||Megyn Kelly Reporting||Megyn Kelly brings you the latest news from your hometown to the front lines of the shadow war against the invaders from Nibiru|
|4:00-5:00 PM||Megyn Kelly’s World with Megyn Kelly||Megyn Kelly gives you the tips you need to survive when her race lays waste to humanity.|
|5:00-6:00||The Five||The Kelly Klones sit in judgement against captured rebel scum.|
|6:00-7:00 pm||Special Report with Brett Baier’s Head||Join the disembodied head of Brett Baier as he begs you to bow down before your new alien overlords.|
|7:00-8:00||On The Record with Greta van Susteren||Greta spoke ill of the proud lizard people of Nibiru. She shall be lashed to an actual record and spun until her bones are pulped. Hosted by Megyn Kelly.|
|8:00-9:00||The Kelly Factor||Hard-hitting and controversial, Megyn Kelly gives you the reasons why the rebels will never triumph against the Great Race of Nibiru.|
|9:00-10:00||The Kelly File||Megyn Kelly profiles the glorious leaders of the Great Race of Nibiru.|
|10:00-11:00||Hannity||Watch rebel leader Sean Hannity pay for his crimes against the Great Race of Nibiru. Special guest host Megyn Kelly. Final show.|
I have to admit it’s quite a bold schedule. Will it be bold enough to keep Fox News on top now that Roger Ailes has left? Only time will tell, my friends.